Our Saturday morning run was just cancelled – apparently 14 degrees below isn’t the best weather for it. To celebrate this rare opportunity to sleep in, I’m taking a brief hiatus (a winter break, as it were) from my adventures in fitness to share some of my favorite jokes. Hey, it’s damn cold out – we can all use a little humor, right? Enjoy!
Favorite Geek Jokes
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. . .and doesn’t.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
There’s a mathematics convention at a hotel. One night, a physicist wakes up and sees his wastebasket is on fire. He puts it in the tub, turns the shower on, douses the fire, and goes back to bed.
An engineer wakes up and sees his wastebasket is on fire. He goes to his computer, calculates that exactly 1.65 liters of water is required, fills his ice bucket with that amount, douses the fire, and goes back to bed.
A theoretical mathematician wakes up and sees his wastebasket is on fire. He looks at his ice bucket and then at the bathroom faucet, calls the front desk and says, “The solution exists!” and goes back to bed.
Question: Who was setting the fires?
Answer: A statistician, looking for a larger sample size!
Favorite Pun-Type Jokes
Two vultures hurt their wings and decide to migrate south by airplane. They bring some rabbits along as a snack. The gate agent asks them, “Do you want to check those rabbits?”
“No,” the vultures say. “They’re carrion.”
Never trust an atom. They make up everything!
I once met the world’s best scarecrow. He was outstanding in his field.
Favorite Golf Jokes
A golf fanatic plays 18 holes with his best friend every Saturday morning. He’s always home by noon, so when he doesn’t come back, his wife gets really worried. Finally, at 5:00, he staggers in the door, looking absolutely exhausted. “What happened?” his wife asks.
“It was Fred,” he says. “He had a heart attack right there on the first tee!”
“Oh, God!” she cries. “What a traumatic experience!”
“You don’t know the half of it!” he said. “All day long it was hit one, drag Fred – hit one, drag Fred – hit one, drag Fred…”
I was a caddie as a teenager, so I really associated with a particular Lolly comic strip. Sorry, I don’t have the actual strip, but here’s the text.
The corporate CEO is on the course sizing up his next shot, and it’s clear he’s undecided on which club to use. “You know my game pretty well, Albert,” he says to his caddie. “What do I need to get to the green from here?”
(The caddie says nothing but holds out about six clubs.)
And this old chestnut:
A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, “Kid, you’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world.”
The caddie replies, “I doubt that, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Other Favorite Jokes
Q. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it, and two to share the experience.
Q2. How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A2. Four. One to change it, and three to chase away the Californians.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbi are out walking in the woods, arguing about which religion is the best. The Baptist spots a deer. “You see that deer?” he says to the others. “I’m going to bring him to Jesus.” He goes over to the deer and preaches a real blood-and-thunder sermon. At the end, the deer is on its knees looking up to heaven and sobbing. The preacher baptizes him and the deer leaves with its head high.
The priest sees an eagle. “I’m going to make that bird a Catholic,” he declares, calls the eagle to his side and tells him all about God’s love and the promise of eternal life. At the end, the eagle is wearing a crucifix and plucking a set of rosary beads.
The rabbi spots a bear. “You guys wanna see real religion?” he says. “I’m gonna turn that bear into a Jew.” He walks with the bear into the woods. Suddenly horrible screams are heard, and the rabbi staggers back into sight, scratched and bloodied all over.
“What happened?” the priest and minister cry.
“Well,” the rabbi says, “perhaps I shouldn’t have tried to circumcise him.”
I’ll wrap up with one that was once declared to be Great Britain’s favorite joke.
A woman takes her baby on an outing and boards a bus. The driver looks at her and says, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman is flustered and angry, but says nothing, pays the fare, and stomps to a seat in the back.
“You know,” she says to the man next to her, still fuming, “That driver was incredibly rude to me. I feel like going up there and giving him a piece of my mind.”
“So you should!” the man says. “You go right ahead and do that. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Hope you enjoyed this post! Feel free to pass along favorite jokes of your own, running-related or otherwise.